Twilight: the Abridged and Humorous Version
by Abbey Mae
Summary: Not in the mood to go through hundreds of pages of obsessive love to know what happens in the highly overrated and should-be hated Twilight series? Then just click here! Warning: Not intended for overly-defensive Twilight fangirls.
1. Disclaimers, and Twilight

**Disclaimers:**

First of all, I am not Stephenie Meyer, and do not own any of her characters (thank God), and some of the quotes here.

Secondly, I have read Twilight.

I have read New Moon.

I have read Eclipse.

I have NOT read Breaking Dawn. However, I have been told more than once about the book's plot, so I know what happens.

Thirdly, I used to like the Twilight series. I slowly got sick of the fangirls and then got sick of the books. I was never an obsessive Twilight fan, but I did like Twilight quite a bit at one point. But I got over it.

Fourthly, these parodies of Twilight are not meant to be sophisticated. Do not inspect any good writing here. I have very little plan here, so, yeah. It's going to be mostly dialogue, if not ALL dialogue, so it might be a bit hard to follow.

And finally, I'm not stupid. I'm not a loser. It's physically impossible for me to fuck myself. And I'm not about to kill myself or change my mind about these books just because of something someone told me via Internet.

In addition, Edward isn't hotter than me, and if you opened the book and read maybe three pages of it you'd realize that Edward can't be hot, just as he can't sleep.

Thank you.

However, feel free to get as defensive and rude as you like. I revel in your insults.

* * *

**Twilight:**

"My name is Isabella Swan, and I'm a Mary-Sue - I mean, a plain average girl. I had no life or dreams, and then I moved to Forks. Huh. Is it me, or are all the guys being really nice? Guess they're friendly... Ew, I'm so pale- Oh look, a good-looking person."

"My name is Edward Cullen and you smell nice. I want to eat you, but instead I'm going to go around everywhere and save you from cars and rapists who inexplicably want to screw you. Why? Because I think I'm in love with you, even though we've only talked twice before."

"Um, okay then. You're so beautiful that I creamed myself. But... why do you want to eat me?"

"SAY IT OUT LOUD."

"Is it because you're a vampire?"

"What? No way. That's totally crazy. I'm actually a Mary-Sue - Wait, I mean, yes. Yes I am."

"Oh. ...You're not really seventeen years old, are you?"

"Um... no."

"How old are you?"

"SAY IT OUT LOUD."

"One hundred?"

"Yeah, that's about right."

"Wow, you're totally not a pedophile. I can completely trust you, can't I?"

"Yep."

"In that case, I'm going to forget all my friends and you can go watch me sleep and stalk me!"

"Yay! Oh, and guess what else I can do? I can sparkle in the sunlight!"

"O RLY?"

"YA RLY. Isn't that just fantabulous?"

"..."

"..."

"Um, are you gay?"

"Uh..."

"Well? Are you?"

"...SAY IT OUT LOUD."

"...?"

"HEY, LOOK OVER THERE! A DISTRACTION!"

"Really? What is it?"

"Um... Uh... JAMES IS TRYING TO KILL YOU!"

"What? I am?"

"Yes, you are. You are trying to kill Bella. -Edward kills the poor innocent James-"

"Yaaaaaay! You saved my life!"

"Yes. Yes I did. I totally saved your life."

"..."

"..."

"But, seriously, ARE you gay?"

* * *

**Author's Notes: **Did you notice the movie jokes? I haven't actually watched the movie, but the "say it out loud" thing was so creepy in the previews. And did you notice the "You're so beautiful that I creamed myself" thing? Robert Pattinson said something like that, apparently, claiming that the book was pretty much "Edward was so beautiful that I creamed myself." So I thought I'd throw that in there. I hope you like it. New Moon will be out soon.


	2. New Moon

**New Moon:**

"Ahh! I'm eighteen, and Edward will never be. At least, never again, seeing as he's actually much older than seventeen. I'm dating an 108-year-old vampire who is TOTALLY not a pedophile. Yay!"

"And we're, like, SO in love! I almost killed myself once!"

"You're so beautiful that I creamed myself. And I love you too, Edward."

"Just kidding! Bye."

"Wah! I'm gonna go sulk for four months and then go see Jacob!"

"Hi, I'm Jacob, and I'm the only halfway decent character in the entire series. Want to ride a motorcycle?"

"Sure. I'm delusional and I hear Edward's voice in my head because THAT'S how much I love him. Because after all, it's not true love until you start hallucinating."

"Um... okay then? Oh, and guess what? I'm a werewolf and Victoria is trying to kill you."

"Okay, I'm gonna go jump off a cliff now. –jumps off cliff-"

"Hi, I'm Alice, and Edward is gonna go and kill himself cuz he thinks you died when you jumped off that cliff, but you didn't die, some other guy died so he could fulfill his purpose in a story of people he barely knows."

"LYK OMG WE HAVE TO STOP HIM! I DON'T CARE IF HE'S GAY! I STILL LOVE HIM!"

**-IN ITALY-**

"I'm going to kill myself without even saying goodbye to Bella. If I had bothered to say goodbye, maybe none of this would have happened. But whatever, I'm gonna step into the sunlight now and expose my true sexuality, I mean species—"

"NUUUUUUUU! –Bella stops Edward-"

"I'm Aro, and Edward's power is better than mine."

"No, yours is better than mine. Mine sucks."

"No, mine sucks."

"No, MINE IS AWFUL. Yours is amazing, mine sucks."

"Psst. Alice."

"Yeah, Bella?"

"Are all vampires emo?"

"Yes, except me and Emmett. We resisted the emo-ness for some reason."

"MY POWER SUCKS MORE!"

"NO, MINE SUCKS MORE!"

"NOOOO. Mine is just HORRIBLE. Ugh."

"Aro, shut up or I'm going to smile at you."

"Jane, hi! And, no, not that, anything but that! I'll stop, Jane, I'll stop!"

"Okey-doke. Okay, Edward, here's the deal. Bella can live, but she has to be a vampire soon. Or we'll come and EAT her. In the

meantime... –Jane smiles at Edward-"

"NOO! IT'S TOO UGLY FOR HUMAN OR VAMPIRE EYES! NOOO! STOP! PLEASE!"

"Okay, fine. I wonder if Bella can resist it...?"

"...Is this supposed to hurt?"

"Wow! Is she blind or something? Alice, you tell me."

"No, she's not blind, she's just safe inside her mind, even though emotions are caused and changed by amounts of chemicals in the brain, and Jasper's power works on her... well, whatever."

"Okay, you're free to go. For now. –Jane presses 'play' on CD player-"

"I love you, you love me, we're a happy family..."

-Jane hastily changes the song to a more ominous-sounding one-

**-LATER-**

"Yay, we're home!"

"Yep. And guess what, Bella? I loved you all along."

"OH, EDWARD..."

"Yeah, so anyways, before you, my life was like... um... hold on –checks script- Oh, yeah, a moonless night. But there were, uh, there were... stars, that's right-- points of light and… life? No, points of life and reason, that's it. And then you shot across my sky like... um... Oh, screw it, no one cares anyway."

"Can you bite me now?"

"MARRY ME FIRST, BITCH."

"NO!"

* * *

**Author's Notes:** Tralala.

Eclipse coming soon :D 


	3. Eclipse

**Eclipse:**

"Okay, so I'm Bella Swan the Mary-Sue- I mean normal human girl, and this is my boyfriend (and vampire) Edward Cullen, and my best friend (and werewolf) Jacob Black is over there, and in pain, and I want to see him. But anyways, Edward, can you bite me now?"

"No."

"Why not?"

"Because it's selfish, because I'm not sure if I have a soul and I don't wanna take yours away because I love you and stuff."

"Oh, so it's not because you think you won't like me anymore?"

"AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAAA! That's FUNNY! For a fairly intuitive person, you can be so obtuse!"

"Wait, what? I'm an angle?"

"No, but I have a thesaurus."

"Oh."

"Why don't you want to marry me?"

"I don't want to be the girl who gets married out of high school. Because I care so much about my reputation that I'm not going to let even true love stand in the way of it! Even when I'm gonna be a vampire and my reputation won't even matter!"

"Oh, so it's not so you just want to be immortal."

"OMFG LOL. ROFLCOPTER. AHAHAHAHAHA! THAT'S SO FUNNY!"

"Um, okay then?"

"Ahahaha... ahaha... aha... ha.... Okay, so anyways. Edward, can I go and see Jacob?"

"No, Bella. I want you to be 'protected.' Werewolves are just as dangerous as vampires, especially Black werewolves, but you can stay with me if you want to."

"Are you being racist?"

"Maybe..."

"Towards werewolves, Native Americans, or black people?"

"Um... SAY IT OUT LOUD."

"It's okay. You're still so beautiful that I creamed myself. Please can I go see Jacob?"

"Okay, fine."

"Yay, because I totally need your approval on everything, and I have to justify my every action to you! That's a healthy relationship, for sure! Okay, bye, Edward. Hi, Jacob! You're my best friend."

"Hi, Bella. Guess what? I'm in love with you."

"Ew, you're such a creeper. I hate you. I prefer shiny fluffy rocks. Go crawl in a hole."

"Wah!"

"Charlie, I mean Dad! Jacob was in love with me! I'm pissed!"

"Okay, so how many people have liked you now, Bella... Let's see, there's been Edward, Jacob, Mike, Tyler, and a few others I may have forgotten... That's definitely more than half the eligible boys in the book series. That says something about you... It means you're a... um... I forget exactly what it was. I think it rhymed with hairy crew? But I'm not sure..."

"Whatever, Charlie. I doubt if awkward, self-conscious, and inept add up to desirable in anyone's book."

"Hey, annoyingly modest! That's another quality of a... whatever it was... If only I could remember... Ah, well, I'll think of it later."

**-LATER-**

"Someone was in my room, but I don't know who... HOLY CRAP, I JUST REALIZED! VICTORIA WAS IN MY ROOM!"

-Alice sits in shock for a half-hour-

"Hey, Alice? You there?"

"What? Oh, yeah. You just surprised me. But I can see it now, she's coming to Forks, with an army of newborn Mary-Sues. I mean vampires. We'll have to round up all the

vampires and werewolves we can and destroy them. If we get enough, one person can even sit out."

"Can Edward sit out?"

"You'd have to ask him."

**-THAT NIGHT-**

"Hi, Edward!Can you sit out and stay with me?"

"Yep!"

"Yay! And can we have sex?"

"Nope!"

"Aww."

"Unless you marry me first."

"Okay, fine... And can we go camping with Jacob?"

"Sure."

**-AT A CAMPSITE-**

"HOLY CRAP VICTORIA'S COMING HERE!"

"Never fear, Bella! I'LL save you!"

"Okay, you risk your existence for me and I'll go kiss Jacob, because I'm in love with him too!"

"OKAY! –Edward kills Victoria- I forgive you for cheating on me, Bella."

"Great, because I love you more than Jacob anyways!"

"Well, then what the fuck did you kiss me for?"

* * *

**Author's Notes: **Is it me, or am I getting better at crackfics (if this is a crackfic)? I'm basing this off the fact that Eclipse was longer than New Moon, and New Moon longer than Twilight... But I haven't actually READ Breaking Dawn, so it's going to be shorter, although hopefully just as funny. Prepare yourselves for disappointment.

Thanks so much for reading and reviewing! Breaking Dawn is coming out soon, and then, sadly, this crackfic is over.

But, since you've been reading this far, is it possible you could check out my Fictionpress (under the same pen name as this)? See, I have a currently untitled story there that I've been wanting to start, but I don't know what to do with it. If anyone out there is good at fantasy-esque kinds of stories (especially stories that take place in a different world), or if you just come up with an idea, I'd really really appreciate your help and suggestions.

Again, thanks so much for reading.


	4. Breaking Dawn, and Epilogue

**Breaking Dawn:  
**

**Author's Note:** I HAVE NOT READ THIS BOOK. I've only read spoilers, and from what people have told me, I have learned enough about the plot to appear as though I have. So, yeah, if I get it wrong, forgive me Twilight fans. And watch out. There are very bad things up ahead. Breaking Dawn was a very inappropriate novel, and… well. I'm just warning you now. I have a bad feeling I have to switch the rating to M, thanks to a certain hip-hop artist. But enjoy.

"I'm Edward, and I get to speak first for the first time! YAAY! And guess what? I'm getting married to Bella, who is a regular human, but also something else, but I forget what it was. Did it rhyme with cherry stew? I think so, but I forget... Oh well. Anyways, we couldn't find a piano player, so we're using Jane and her CD player instead. And I'm waiting at the altar for Bella to arrive... waiting… waiting."

"The doors are opening! And heeeeeere's Bella! –Jane presses play on CD player-"

_Soulja boy off in this hoe  
Watch me crank it, watch me ro—_

-Jane hastily changes the song to a more wedding-esque one-

"Okay, let's get this over with, Edward. I do, you do. Can we have sex now?"

"Sure. I'm kind of in a pillow-biting mood, so yeah, don't mind me."

**-THAT NIGHT-**

"EDWARD, BELLA, CAN YOU KEEP IT DOWN?"

**-LATER-**

"Owch, we had sex and now I'm bruised. Oh, crap. I'm pregnant!"

"How the hell did you get pregnant? I didn't realize vampires had sex cells. In fact, I'm pretty sure our author established that we didn't..."

"Oh my God! Are you saying the baby isn't real? –sniff, sniff- How could you? Edward, how could you do this to me?!"

"What?"

"YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND ME! GO TO HELL! I HATE YOU!"

"I'm sorry, Bella."

"It's okay, life is good, right? –creepy smile- And you're still so beautiful that I creamed myself."

"Um, yes. Yeah. I'm just gonna... go now... ALICE, HELP ME!"

"You're leaving me! Why?"

**­-LATER-**

"Edward?"

"Yeah?"

"The baby is trying to kill me!"

"Oh, don't worry. We'll just get Carlisle to rip your stomach up, right Carlisle?"

"Sure."

**-MORE LATER-**

"It's a GIRL!"

"Oh, oh, Edward, can we name it something stupid?"

"Sure. How about Albus Severus?"

"No, that's a boy name. Besides, we need something even more stupid."

"Okay. What about Reneesmee Carlie, for our parents?"

"Okay! Hey look, it's Jacob. Hi Jacob!"

"Oh, I'm so sad because the girl I love and her husband had a baby, which is biologically impossible, and— LYK OMG I'M IN LOVE WITH YOUR BABY."

"Um, okaaaay theeennn. Hey, Carlisle, look, I'm a vampire now!"

"Yep, that happened because of your... um... C-section, let's call it."

"YAY! –Bella hugs Renesmee-"

This insipid female vampire is embracing me. How disconcerting.

"Whoa, Edward, Renesmee has super powers! She can reveal her thoughts to me by simply touching me! And she knows such big words, like 'me' and 'is'!"

"She can reveal her thoughts by touch? That's kind of like Aro's power, but backwards... Wouldn't it be funny if ARO was actually her father?"

"Um, yeah...ahahaha... ahaha... aha... ha."

"Well, now we get to live happily ever after in peace and harmony! Yay!"

"Yep. But I have one question, that you never really answered."

"What's that, Bella?"

"ARE you gay?"

"...SAY IT OUT LOUD."

**-ONE MONTH LATER-**

"Hi, I'm Reneesmee and I can already speak in coherent sentences! I'm a half-vampire half-human baby who gets the best of both worlds, and I'm a Mary-Sue – I mean, I'm a... um... uh... yeah."

**-THE END-**

"Wait, what about the Volturi?"

"Alice beat them up or something and stole their lunch money, I think."

"Oh. Well, what about the werewolves? Weren't they supposed to get into a war if one of the Cullens bit somebody?"

"I don't know, but there's no war that's going to happen."

"But the author has been building it up since New Moon!"

"So? Most of the fanbase is more interested in the superficial appearance-based love between vampires, werewolves, humans, and Mary-Sues, as most of them are teenage girls and old unsatisfied women."

"Oh, okay then."

* * *

**Author's Note: **Credit to Soulja Boy for making Bella and Edward's wedding more awkward. It's all over now, though... They can spend the rest of time in peace and harmony, with Bella wondering if Edward is actually gay... Hope you liked it!

* * *


End file.
